“How can I make them understand?”

This question went through my mind more times than I can count when sitting in meetings with faculty and staff, or having a conversation with a parent. Time and time again, the frustration of not being able to help others see my perspective as head of school was difficult to hide. It took me a while and some hard-to-take feedback to finally realize that it wasn’t just me asking that question – everyone in the room was thinking the same about me: how can I make her understand?

It seems so obvious, but it is not obvious at all. That’s the reason why so many books and articles about leadership, emotional intelligence, and about having difficult conversations are piling up in all our inboxes, nightstands, and e-readers.

How do we focus on understanding others, who are our partners in the difficult discussions in school life?

Following are some of the lessons I learned over hundreds of conversations, some of which went well and others that didn’t. I am sharing them with the hope that they may be useful to all involved. None are original, but they bear stating and amplifying as we navigate the unsettling waters of 2020 and beyond.

Assume good intentions 

Contrary to how it may seem at times, chances are that no one is out to intentionally cause damage, get you fired, get your child expelled, or create child-care nightmares. Unless you have hard evidence to the contrary, assume that your partners in the discussion have the same good intentions and goals you have: to do well by the children, faculty, families, and school.

Trust expertise

Everyone comes into the conversation with their own experience and knowledge. Administrators and faculty have professional expertise, obtained through training, experience, and reflection. Parents have expertise in their children and their lives, and in what is possible for them to digest and manage at any given time. At the same time, we all have blind spots. It benefits everyone to trust the other’s expertise, allowing ourselves to use it to illuminate our blind spots and deepen our understanding.

Perspective is everything

As the saying goes, where you stand depends on where you sit. It is both a lifelong pursuit and sign of maturity to be open to considering that your field of vision is limited. If you are able to appreciate multiple perspectives, even if you can’t see them yourself, it will help move the conversation forward.

Listen for the pain

It has been my experience that when people speak or act aggressively, sarcastically, or dismissively, it is their pain talking. People don’t get agitated about things they don’t care about. We may be in pain for our children and students. We may be mourning the loss of feeling competent, of being able to solve every problem. We are in pain, anticipating the consequences of the conversation. Learn to recognize everyone’s pain and enlist your compassion – for others and for yourself. Dealing effectively with pain requires time and some distance – some conversations may need to continue at a later time to allow the parties to process and then reconvene. Allowing a bit of time before responding to a blistering email from a parent whose child is deeply struggling may enable you to move from “this parent is in denial and out to get us” to “ this parent is in pain for their child and may be feeling the loss of their sense of competency as a parent.” Shifting this perspective will enable you to respond with empathy and enlist the school’s team to do the same.

Of course, there is much more to be said. I invite you to reflect on what you have learned about listening and understanding others, and share your thoughts as a parent, teacher, administrator, or student. 

Naomi Reem is a leadership and educational consultant. An experienced school leader and nonprofit manager, she brings expertise on leadership and team development, change management, faculty growth and supervision, governance and board development, strategic planning and implementation, and mentoring new and aspiring leaders in top and middle management roles. Prior to consulting, Naomi served for 15 years as Head of School for Milton Gottesman Jewish Day School of the Nation’s Capital (formerly Jewish Primary Day School). She can be contacted at naomi.n.reem@gmail.com.